Who's Right?In-laws dropping by unannounced: what do you say?
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In short
It's best for the partner whose parents they are to raise it, kindly and with a clear request, like 'please text us before you come over.' The goal isn't to shut the door, but to agree on one simple rule as a couple.
Both sides
Julien's parents live ten minutes away and ring the bell without warning, often on Sunday mornings. I do like them, but I end up in my pyjamas with the house a mess, and our only quiet morning of the week is gone. I'm not asking them to visit less, just to send a text first. Julien should be the one to tell them, they're his parents.
My parents are retired and a bit lonely since my sister moved to Lyon. In my family, we've always done it this way, you just pop round for a coffee, no fuss. If I ask them to call ahead, I'm worried they'll feel rejected and stop coming altogether. Honestly, I think Nadia is making a big deal out of an hour-long visit.
The verdict
Nadia is mostly right on the substance. Asking for a quick message before a visit is reasonable: in your own home, you get to choose when you have guests. Her request is modest and she isn't trying to push her in-laws away. She's also right on a key point: it usually lands better when the message comes from their own son.
Julien's worry is genuine. His parents are lonely, and a clumsy remark could hurt them. His family habits aren't wrong, just different. But 'we've always done it this way' isn't enough when someone in the household feels intruded upon. Brushing off Nadia's feelings is where his argument falls short.
At heart, this isn't a conflict with the in-laws but a decision the couple needs to make together. Until they agree on the rule, neither of them can set it calmly.
The compromise
Julien calls his parents this week and tells them warmly: 'We love seeing you, just send a quick text before you come, even an hour ahead.' So they don't feel pushed away, the couple also offers a regular get-together, such as Sunday lunch every other week.
Who do you think is right?
Pick a side.
Frequently asked questions
Who should talk to the in-laws: me or my partner?
Usually it's best if it's their own child. They know how their parents react and the message goes down more easily. The other partner can be there, but the request should come from the couple, not just one person.
How do I say it without offending them?
Start with the positive: you enjoy seeing them. Then make one clear, simple request, like a text before they come. Avoid criticising past visits and focus on what would work better from now on.
What if they keep turning up unannounced?
You can gently remind them in the moment, for example: 'Today's not ideal, how about Saturday?' If it keeps happening, a second calm conversation, with both of you present, is often needed.
Can I just not answer the door?
You can, but it may hurt their feelings and make things awkward. It's better to open the door for a few minutes and suggest another time, or send a message explaining it's not a good day.
Is giving them a spare key a good idea?
It can be handy for emergencies, but agree in advance on when they can use it. Without a clear rule, a spare key makes surprise visits even easier.
Guide Family disputes: the guide
Written with the help of AI, reviewed by the Who's Right team · This is not legal advice. How Who's Right decides
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